The Rules of Acquisition: A Star Trek Deep Space Nine Podcast
Patreon Teaser: Politics?!

Patreon Teaser: Politics?!

February 21, 2020

Don't you hate it when Star Trek gets political? Oh wait, we're not even talking Star Trek here.  Don't worry, it'll be over in three minutes. Not even long enough to hit skip on your podcast player. If you want more, there's a lot more of this discussion to hear.  Check out the Kickers of Elves Patreon where we have all sorts of additional content covering movies, TV, politics and all the other things Wade, James, and Hugh talk about when they're not talking about Deep Space Nine.

The Forsaken (DS9 S1E16)

The Forsaken (DS9 S1E16)

February 13, 2020

Wade waxes on about romance and looking back on this episode.

In the interest of checking off all the obligatory characters from ST: TNG, Lwaxana Troi shows up in this episode! But wait! It's actually pretty good! She gets more intimate with a gooey Odo than she ever did with Picard. Is she more interesting without her daughter? Bashir is Pete Campbell. Technobabble. Obrien gets a puppy.

Can't Picardly Wait?


If Wishes were Horses (DS9 S1E15)

If Wishes were Horses (DS9 S1E15)

February 4, 2020

Hugh talks Colm Meaney on leprechauns and nerds out on some baseball statistics.

More like "If Wishes Were Horses#!t." Yes, after last week's praise, we're back into the gutter! Obrien meets WHATISCERTAINLYNOTALEPRECHAUN. Nope, it's just another Alien of the Week. As Peter Dinklage said in Living in Oblivion: "Want to make it weird? Oh, put a dwarf in it." So we get "the Man from Another Place" himself, Michael J Anderson as a guest star. We talk about that, some other things, the Julian Problem, and the one good thing to stick around from this episode: Sisko's baseball.

Not mentioned, but for new Star Trek commentary, check out Can't Picardly Wait

Can’t Picardly Wait

Can’t Picardly Wait

January 27, 2020

Check out the first episode of the newest pod from Kickers of Elves. Except with Replacements for James and Hugh.

Is Star Trek Picard a good show? Hack trope garbage built to mine IP?  Some sort of quantum form existing in both states at once?  

Check out new episodes as Picard airs in its own feed alongside A Discovery Home Companion.


Progress (DS9 S1E14)

Progress (DS9 S1E14)

January 22, 2020

Just as we've progressed on Kira throughout the podcast, James has progressed his ideas on "Progress"

Listen, and be amazed as we praise Kira's performance.
Niners, be confounded by how little we actually talk about self sealing stembolts! Bajoran politics: Kira has to evict an old man from the Shire. Jake and Nog do a red paperclip story; the Ferengi hate land? We go on a tangent about what Marina Sirtis has had to put up with in her career (more than she should have had to). We disagree a bit, but agree this is a pretty good episode of Deep Space Nine, if not your standard Star Trek.



The Storyteller (DS9 S1E13)

The Storyteller (DS9 S1E13)

January 9, 2020

One episode. Two stories. That. Don't. Interact. At. All.

One podcast, two versions. Recorded. Years. Apart. Wade feels rusty. Is he?

Nobody likes Julian, even O'brien, but things get set up for later. They yell at a smoke monster. Missourians know river politics. Wade is maybe puerile in what he notices in the set dressing. Jake and Nog hit on a girl. James talks libertarians. Hugh introduces a new segment, where we perhaps insult any listeners who are responsible for the IMDB episode ratings. Hope you're not offended. We love you... Speaking of... Rate us!


Unlocked: The Witcher, but it’s the Books

Unlocked: The Witcher, but it’s the Books

January 7, 2020

Miss us?  The ROA Remix episodes will keep coming, but regular listeners might like to hear new discussion from the three of us?  And we're not even arguing in this one.  

Before watching the new Witcher show on Netflix that everyone else is talking about we talk about the book series by Polish writer Andrzej Sapkowski.  

Patrons can hear us on the regular, talking about a variety of subjects at
Dropped this week are two other conversations, about Rick and Morty and TV, plus video games. Is Death Stranding gaming's Gravity's Rainbow?

Battle Lines (DS9 S1E12)

Battle Lines (DS9 S1E12)

December 20, 2019

Stick around to the end when Hugh goes all in on Opaka, IMDB scores,  and more.

Jonathan Banks! Plays a pissed off alien. Which he can pull off pretty well as you might imagine. Kai Alpaca, the Space Pope from the premiere comes back and sets things into motion... But mostly we're excited to see Jonathan Banks. That's Mike from Breaking Bad if you don't know who that is. Why don't you know who Jonathan Banks is?

Vortex (DS9 S1E11)

Vortex (DS9 S1E11)

December 18, 2019

Hugh guides you through the vortex, and reflects on NYPD Blue, Nana Visitor's career, and his cohosts beer consumption.

This week a couple of Gene Simmons steal a faberge egg, are double crossed by a space junkie, who turns out to actually be a space Mormon -who wears Odo's cousin around his neck- and everyone takes a trip to the least turbulent "vortex" in the galaxy. Does that make sense? No? Listen and figure out just what the heck I'm going on about. Plus: "Candy Man Caveman" and Wade's self loathing.


The Nagus (DS9 S1E10)

The Nagus (DS9 S1E10)

December 9, 2019

Uh oh. Hope you like the Ferengi. Our dang podcast title and artwork feature them so we can't throw stones. Wallace Shawn guest stars as a wrinkly talking "coin purse." Ferengi Juggalos!? Wade gets off topic and weird about Andrea Martin. Manservant Punk Rock Ronald Reagan. Education and racism are discussed, among other things.

OH, and hope you like My Dinner with Andre, cuz Wade finally watched it for the remix, and he's insufferable.

917 408 3898


Move Along Home (DS9 S1E09)

Move Along Home (DS9 S1E09)

December 1, 2019

In this very special "remix" episode James provides the long hidden secret behind Move Along Home and its writers.  
Then later he shares some of his thoughts on why it works in ways that later "bad" episodes of Deep Space Nine don't.


The Passenger (DS9 S1E08)

The Passenger (DS9 S1E08)

November 22, 2019

Julian gets possessed by the ghost of Hannibal Lector doing a bad Bela Lugosi impersonation. Maybe?

Hugh tries to do a voice in this episode, and regrets it four years later in the "remix" portion of this episode.  Also: Some background on Technobabble

There's gotta be a reason for what happened in the episode we talk about. Just how are we supposed to feel about that character, anyway? And we introduce "Angry Nerd Corner" (Wait, that's this whole show, right?) Go check out Hello Cruel World by the Tall Dwarfs... for no reason.

Dax (DS9 S1E07)

Dax (DS9 S1E07)

November 15, 2019

Dax is on trial. Or rather, a deposition or something. Stick around til the end, when Wade reflects back on this early episode and where the pod goes. Plus what other podcasts that might be coming up.

How do you fix a character like Maria?? Well, you make her a good character but don't make her try to impress anybody. But OH WAIT. We're talking Dax here. Not West Side Story. This is actually a good episode. LISTEN! (Was somebody drunk when they posted this description?)

Q-Less (DS9 S1E06)

Q-Less (DS9 S1E06)

November 7, 2019

It's a Q episode! Stick around for the end when James looks back at his feelings on the episode, DS9, and podcasting in 2015.

Everyone's favorite (or least favorite) Trickster Space God boards the station with Picard's ex girlfriend to help remind you this is a spin off of that Star Trek show you really liked. Remember? Nudge nudge. Wink. Come for the TNG characters, stay to hear us talk about Ferengi sex practices, and vent our transporter frustrations. [Editors note: Oh, and yes we were wrong about the 3 life forms issue. It was the egg. We got it.]

Captive Pursuit (DS9 S1E05)

Captive Pursuit (DS9 S1E05)

November 2, 2019

Run! It's the most dangerous game, and the most dangerous way to re-listen to a pod from four years ago.  Wade podcasts stuffed inside a box. Hugh looks back on the episode.


Babel (DS9 S1E04)

Babel (DS9 S1E04)

October 25, 2019

The crew of DS9 gets infected with an aphasia virus, and we can't quite find the words... Wade finds plenty to talk about after listening to this episode.
TV Pre and Post the time of Difficult Men. Sex positive Dax is back, and Odo is embarrassed, but we don't buy it. How do you fix episode? James has some good ideas.

Hey, don't bother with the tumblr, why not check out or better yet 

Or just


Past Prologue (DS9 S1E03)

Past Prologue (DS9 S1E03)

October 17, 2019

Garak is actually introduced.  Things get turned around. Terrorists and Spock are discussed.  Hugh reflects.

A Man Alone (DS9 S1E02)

A Man Alone (DS9 S1E02)

October 10, 2019

Garak is introduced.  Lets revisit the second episode and cringe at what doesn't work and think about what does.  
Future-James reflects some on DS9 and what kind of stories we might want for future generations.

Emmisary (DS9 S1E01)

Emmisary (DS9 S1E01)

October 3, 2019

Don't trust linear time! It's all just one eternal moment to the prophets, and here we are back at the beginning.  Welcome to the Rules of Acquisition remix.  It's the same ROA that you may know, but this time we're giving you some additional commentary on how it feels to travel back in time and listen to versions of ourselves from those before-times, back when our innocence was still intact.  In this episode Hugh will fill you in on how this works. 

Welcome to The Rules of Acquisition! A podcast where we’ll be reviewing every. single. episode. of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Heres... THE BEGININAGING
Who are we? What are our histories with DS9? And most importantly-Why are we doing this?
All these questions and more will be answered. 

Plus: Linear time, and don't trust Picard with your loved ones.

[*NOTE: Tried a little more fixin this version, but the sound here is of three guys just figuring out how to record this podcast thing. But, hey the content is still great! There have been mics that come and go and we sound a bit different as time goes on. Go figure.]

Kickers of Elves Roundtable: TNG’s Sub Rosa

Kickers of Elves Roundtable: TNG’s Sub Rosa

September 25, 2019

A change in format!  Hugh talked to listeners about the sexiest of Scottish Ghost Candle Stories, Star Trek: The Next Generations "Sub Rosa"

Want in on next month's roundtable discussion?  Go to for more info!

Catching You Up on Voicemails

Catching You Up on Voicemails

September 18, 2019

Voicemails?! Remember those?  So do we!

What has happened since last we updated? How have our lives changed forever since we finished watching every episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? 

What else is in store from Kickers of Elves on the RoA feed?   Hugh has some deets. What is The RoA Remix?  What is this about these TNG roundtables? 

Is this the end voicemails?  No!

First Ben from the UK has a bone to pick with us on the episode “Valiant.” 

Jeffrey from Virginia (The Guy Who Hates Worf) has some valuable insights on Starfleet’s approach to counseling.

Eric from PA (@Aerialbass) isn’t here to tell James to get his head right, but … he does have some things to say about our Season 6. 

Warren from Seattle (@10rant) finally turns on Bashir. 

Jackie from New Orleans is also an expert, on a topic some of us may have gotten wrong in “Times Orphan.” 

Kennedy from NY has some thoughts on Section 31.  Our favorite subject to rehash over and over.  How far is too far with the dark pragmatism for us? 

Didn’t hear your voicemail?  Don’t worry, we’re not done!  We have more to do, and as long as you send em in, we’ll keep responding to them.   

A Quick Message from Wade

A Quick Message from Wade

August 14, 2019

What is going on with the podcast this week?  Your questions will be answered!

Patrons can hear us talk Tarantino:

And check out the unlocked Dune podcast at the Hashish and Superiority Book Club:

Themes and Stories: A Look Back on DS9 and The Rules of Acquisition

Themes and Stories: A Look Back on DS9 and The Rules of Acquisition

August 7, 2019

We’ve gone through every. single. episode. of Deep Space Nine. Now what? 

Where’s the White Album for Season 7? 

We go into details and reflect on the thesis of the podcast and where we ended up with that.

Wade did a White(ish) Album, and tried to pull a “How would we fix it,” all the way from the begining of the pod to fix the ending. 

What is Star Trek DS9 actually about?  TNG vs DS9:  What is the “best” Star Trek that holds up overall?  Would we have different conclusions if we went through other Star Treks the same way we did this one? 

How have we changed since the start?  What kind of arc and journey have we gone on? 

Who is the creative villain of the show for the podcast?  The MVP?  How right were the actor’s instincts when compared to the writers? 

So what about the “faith” the show was concerned with representing? 

Ranking the writers.  How bout that Robert Hewitt Wolf?   Trainspotting: God, what a movie.   

What have we learned. 

Looking back on Past Tense and the power of stories post 2016.

Lots of talking about storytelling in this one.   

Go to

or especially for more content while Wade gets used to being a dad.


What You Leave Behind (DS9 S7E25)

What You Leave Behind (DS9 S7E25)

July 31, 2019

The Last DS9! Buckle up for a long ride and prepare to say goodbye to your space friends. Does the finale hit all its marks?  Half? Enough to be effective and make you a little emotional at least?

What great shows is this finale closer to than we are now?  Flight of the Concords for instance came out closer to the DS9 finale than we are to FotCs.  The Sopranos is just starting up.  Where were we when DS9 concluded?

Are we sad to see our space friends go? 

Julian breaks up with his boyfriends.   

Does Garak have the most well executed arc of any character throught the course of the show?  What characters were best served? 

What’s the story behind Sisko promising to return eventually?  What other shows show such strong father characters? 

Is the last segment of the show a bummer? What happened there?  Did Avery Brooks send Alaimo to the hospital? 

How bout those matte paintings?  Those space fights hold up better than some other Star Treks’ space fights *cough* Discovery *cough*

What was the point of all of this war?  Did the Borg ruin Star Trek by making it about Big Villains?  Does the Dominion have as strong a core Idea behind them?  Do they have a less compelling argument than Thanos? 

What was the reason the Changelings sent the Odo and the 100 out anyways? 

Smudgin spots.   Obrien’s on a tenure track. 

Do they feel at  all like their not coming back?

That Bajor plot, is peppered in but…

Who’s hangin out at Vic’s?

Is sex grandma the only founder in the quadrant?  Weird how we don’t see the wormholl at all this entire episode.

How much more show could they have fit in if they cut down Vic’s song at the end? 

Is O’briens hurt shoulder a callback?  Why was it the highest priority to get him to sickbay? 

Which scene is just like the Rocketeer?  Remember the Rocketeer? 

Who are the fire cave scenes for?  Give us a call while you can if it’s you. 

How’s Kira in this?  Who’s she working for in this anyway?  Did we need a scene to tell us?   Where’s Willie Mays Sisko? 

Have a laugh at the futility.   Weyoun is pitiful. 

Damar gets a moment. 

We get confused about ranks and Bajor.   

Andrew Robinson always knows what to bring. 

Pour one out for the dead cardies.  80% of liking someone is having a good time.   These captains should smile more.  Garak doesn’t have much to smile about however. 

All the most monumental things happen in the conference room. Treaties signed on paper.  Of course this is from a WWII speech.   

Now that it’s over… back to Vic’s! For a song!  And a Worf bit.    Jadzia only gets one mention all episode, even if she was at the wrap party at Vic’s. 

Sisko fights a balrog.  It’s all about the bum rush.   

Also: One year from Lord of the Rings films. 

Still, it ends without ever seeing the big hole we need. 

It’s a nice closing shot for the show though.

With the episode finished, a little reflection on the show: 

Are we satisfied with the core characters’ conclusions? 

How much of Star Trek is defined by “space friends”? 

Did the show feel Julian was entitled to a woman? 

Worf’s ending is nice, but does it conflict with his position in the movies?   

Why do we think tertiary characters come off so well? 

If this is half baked, is there room for a Grace Cut?   

Everything is theoretically interesting to revisit.  Want to see an 8th season?  Is our answer different (are we different) than 3 years ago? 

You read all the way through this rambling description?  Wow, do you regularly?  You still have a chance to give us a call and let us know. Maybe 917 408 3898

This isn't the final Rules of Acquisition, and Kickers of Elves aren't disappearing completely. Check us out on patreon for plenty of content and follow us for what's next.




The Dogs of War (DS9 S7E24)

The Dogs of War (DS9 S7E24)

July 24, 2019

The end is nigh upon us!  The Ferengi are getting a new Nagus!  The Cardassian rebellion has been crushed! Or has it?  The Alliance Fleet has to make a decision.  

What was Peter Allan Fields contribution?  Nobody’s saying! 

How do we feel about where this leaves some of our characters?  Rom, go on Chapo!  Quark, Sam Malone, and Making Ferengenar Great Again, and Jim from the Office. 

Is the Ferengi story of DS9 topical to our current time?  Does Quark want to roll back Obamacare?  But why talk to long on that when we can talk about the BEST storyline: Dax and Julian? 

Cartoon characters and anime. 

What’s with all the extra stuff in this? Throwing a few favors to the crew in the last days of disco? Is that why it was so dark?  What with the best director of romance in all of DS9? 

Fleamarket jewelry.  Helping folks sell on the convention circuit. 

New ship, who dis?   Fan service.  Is it right to just throw them a new Defiant like that?     

The Terrorist Gang on Cardassia.  Why is that guy names Seskal?   Really? Seskal?  That sound like anything to you?   

Is Mila Garak’s mom or not?   We know “the books” say, but what about the show? 

No mention of Dukat.  All your bases are [destroyed] by us. 

Can you even believe the fake Dominion news?  More topical content! 

The Dominion makes a good point about the timidness of the Federation that is actually proven wrong pretty quickly.  Did this ep seem to secure in the victory? 

Odo takes James and Hugh’s side in last weeks Federation/Section 31 argument. 

Is it an accident when Sisko wears his vest from Pale Moonlight?   How can we reconcile Star Trek with ideals we want it to hold on to?  Back on comparing DS9 to A Few Good Men. 

“I’m pregnant,” male birth control and the best acted scene in the episode.

Missing links aren’t pretty.  How does this penultimate episode hold together thematically? 

Let us know what you think, while there's still time. 917 847 5682

But we're not going away entirely.  Check out the patreon at

Extreme Measures (DS9 S7E23)

Extreme Measures (DS9 S7E23)

July 17, 2019

Miles and Jule’s excellent adventure.

It was the best of Julian, it was the worst of Julian.  Sloan gets  caught! Via exxxtreme measures. Oh, and Odo is dying.

Putting to rest whether Julian is a good physician. 

O’Brien, reduced to a wingman, or something more? 

What imaginitve vistas could have been?  What do the writers dislike about this episode and what does Wade love?  Speaking of love…  Forget about the Cardassian plot, this is all Bashir and Obrien. 

Odo is Scarecrow, or an essence-drained muppet. 

Ok, the “You love me more than your wife” scene… How gay is it? And how appreciated can it really be?  A soupçon of gay panic?  Do LGBT viewers like that scene?  Is it ok to enjoy it? Should marginalized viewers “take what you get”? 

Why do this stuff at all if it’s not indicative of who Miles is as a character?  Can one enjoy this episode while also agreeing that Miles and the rest of the O’Briens are underserved?  How did Colm Meaney feel? 

“Sadey sit sir”  What?!  Star Fleet would never do this. 

Do the writers realize  enough to talk about systems? It’s time to argue more about Section 31!  How much has Section 31 hijacked the franchise?  Is it a cancer corrupting it? Is Section 31 an aberration or baked in to the Federation now?  Even if it is in trek currently, is it baked into the Federation of Trek in 1999? 

Is what Section 31 injected into the Dominion similar to what DS9 injected into the Star Trek mythos?   Is Star Trek redeemable at this point? Should anyone even  bother?  Jeeeeeeeeez man,   what has this podcast turned into? 

William Sadler is pretty great, right?   

President Joe Camel, remember him?  He got mentioned. 

Does Discovery still haunt Wade?  Should we want new Star Trek stories or just new stories?  Another debate!   Look at that tunnel. Follow the light!  The ol’ switcheroo is almost effective.   Should there have been more thematic resonance to Tale of Two Cities?    

Hey, check out the patreon, where there's plenty of additional content for when DS9 is finished: